Eight Days A Week
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My Name Is Brandi…And I am Fat.
It’s strange thinking back on that word and how for so many years it was the first term I related to myself. Who are you Brandi? You’re fat.
It seemed a simple concept really, especially when the world (as I viewed it then) agreed with me. While getting dressed in the morning, while walking in the hallways at school, dressing out for volleyball games (oh spandex how I loathed thee), and eventually going out to parties as a young adult. Dieting, diet pills, sports, all the girl talk of watching calories etc…it fed and reinforced this notion of myself. This belief that I wasn’t as I should be. I could be better.
Looking back I honestly have no idea why I made it all the way to college before the notion of changing my role overcame my internal survival instincts. I suppose my competitive nature for sports and winning helped me fight off the unreasonable idea of refusing to fuel my body. I remember actually having the thought “Brandi, you can’t just not eat. You’ll never make it through basketball practice.” Of course, the laughable context of that entire idea is eyeroll worthy now. I should have been saying “Brandi, you can’t just not eat. You’ll die.”
Duh.
I remember, and find myself thinking daily about the day I realized I didn’t have anymore practices to make the through. When I realized that the only person I was accountable to was myself. No more teammates. No parents cooking me pasta. No coaches expecting me to lead the team to victory (or defeat). I skipped dinner that night. Nobody said a word. Well except for, of course, that satisfied voice in the back of my head telling me that soon I would no longer be ‘the fat girl’.
I wonder if today I went back to Brandi Abel, October 31, 2002 and filled her in on the 10 years of struggles and battles to come if she’d change her mind and decide it wasn’t worth it.
And then I remember that it’s me I’m talking about and accept that it wouldn’t change anything. I attacked that goal like I do everything I set my mind to: with a stubbornly fierce determination that would make even a charging lion think twice.
It gives a new meaning to the phrase “Using your powers for good and not evil”
*sigh* Hindsight.
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Newton’s First Law
“Every object in motion continues in motion and every object at rest continues to be at rest unless an outside force acts upon it” ~ Sir Isaac Newton
In August of 2008 I began a blog in the hopes of tracking my progress through the ups and downs of overcoming an eating disorder. Over time that blog developed into a crazy awesome conglomerate of posts on all sorts of things going on in my life-presenting the object in motion. In April of 2011, an outside force acted upon me, and for the betterment of many things outside of myself, my blog came to a rest.
And now, an outside force is once again acting upon me, and this object which has remained at rest is now ready to start moving again.
But where to start? I’ve spent the better part of the last 36 hours wondering just that. Should there be a theme? Should I stick to specific topics? Should I just journal the ins and outs of my life and the emotions I deal with and the people I come across? Should I hit on humor? Drama? Professional efforts?
One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite childhood movies popped into my head this morning:
“Start at the beginning. And when you come to the end…stop!” ~Alice in Wonderland
Such a simple concept. So many beginnings and endings and starts and finishes.
Recently I picked up the Hunger Game Series and absolutely loved it. One of the concepts I really enjoyed was how the main character got control of the stress and confusion around her by starting ‘at the beginning’. Stating the small, simple details, and letting the larger things fall to the side as they may.
And so, after all that has happened, and will continue to happen, I’m going to start at the beginning…and see where this takes me. Starting simple and letting things progress as naturally as possible. And with every effort, as Guitar Guy requested, I’m going to be as transparent as a white shirt in a wet t-shirt contest.
My name is Brandi Abel. I grew up small town country, surrounded by a very very large Catholic family, and am now living in the Kansas City area. I have great capacity to love, very little patience, I struggle with emotion, and my affinity for sarcasm is rather overwhelming for some people.
Oh, and I love wine.
Let’s start there shall we?
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Tragic News
Over the weekend there was a terrible accident outside of my hometown of Eudora, KS on K10 highway.
A family, grandparents and 2 grandchildren were struck head on at full speed by a 24 year old who crossed the large grassy median.
The 24 year old died on scene. The 5 year old grandson was pronounced dead at the hospital.
The grandparents and younger granddaughter were seriously injured and are still in the hospital.
The family that was hit are distant cousins of mine. The little boy is the son of a cousin I graduated with. It just hits so close to home.
It was discovered today that the 24 year old that caused the accident had meth and marijuana in his system.
Because of a young person’s poor choices a family is without their 5 year old son today.
http://www.eudoranews.com/news/2011/apr/18/kansas-highway-patrol-investigates-whether-drugs-c/
It breaks my heart. And makes me want to take everyone I love and hold them in my arms and not let them go out into the world!
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10 Unexpected Lessons
Taking a cue from Reyna 🙂
10 things I unexpectedly learned yesterday: (yes, some of them are DUH moments)
1) Quik Trip giftcards go a LONG way when the only thing you use them for is coffee!!
2) Flexible schedules at work will always seem to be more flexible for other people than they are for you. Much like the grass is always greener on someone else’s side of the fence.
3) I am not a patient individual. Especially when I know think I’m right.
4) Taking my day’s aggression and frustrations out on my bootcamp class actually does, in fact, make me feel better.
5) David Crowder music seems to cure any and all ailments from the day.
6) Turn signals in Johnson County Kansas are apparently optional. And yelling at said ‘optional users’ does nothing more than heighten a day’s worth of frustrations…cause they can’t hear you Brandi
7) Gassing up your car the day before payday can fill a person with angst even when there actually IS money in the bank *sigh*
8) Having a ten year old unexpectedly snuggle up to you on the couch and talk to you about problems with her friends at school can fill a heart will so many emotions at once it’s both terrifying and wonderful. And has the added bonus of making all your own life’s problems seem miniscule and ridiculous in comparison.
9) Emotional exhaustion + wine = no trouble whatsoever falling asleep on a couch. It also = strange, but oh so real feeling dreams that prompt you to ask if they actually happened….
10) An apple with Peanut Butter is not ‘dinner’ and coffee is not ‘breakfast’. And my stomach will continue to growl and be pissed off until I am well aware of this fact.
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The ABC’s Of Me – Inspired By Roni
- Age: 27
- Bed size: Queen size, I’m a toss and turner!
- Chore you hate: Laundry is way up there…but toilets are pretty much the worst chore EVER
- Dogs: I have one beautiful 3 yr. old Husky puppy named Kaiah, and Guitar Guy has a border collie named Maddox. I have a dog named Penny with my ex-boyfriend, but he got her in the split 🙂
- Essential start to your day: Snuggles. But if those are unavailable, coffee 🙂
- Favorite color: Blue followed very closely by KSTATE Purple!!
- Gold or silver: Silver. I can’t stand gold jewelry
- Height: I am just short (haha…) of 5′-1″
- Instruments that you can play: Just my voice. And I’ve been told that I’m fairly good at it 😉
- Job title: Engineer and Part Time Fitness Instructor Extraordinaire
- Kids: No kids. Yet 🙂
- Live: Kansas City area – specifically Shawnee, KS
- Mom’s name: Robin
- Nicknames: Brando, shorty, sexy girlfriend 😉
- Overnight hospital stays: none…hope to keep it that way!
- Pet peeve: people using their phones at all while interacting with people…geez is facebook more important than our dinner date!?!?!?!
- Quote from a movie: the password is ASStastic. ASSTASTIC. That’s the password. Yes, ASS-TAS-TIC -it’s from couple’s retreat
- Righty or lefty: Righty.
- Sibling: Two sisters – Rachel and Kendal – One Brother – Morgan
- Time you wake up: 6ish. Sometimes 6:30 or closer to 7….
- Underwear: Usually a must. I like to alternate between thongs and boyshorts 🙂
- Vegetables you dislike: I really am not a fan of really soggy greens. Like canned green beans or asparagus…bleh
- What makes you run late: Ummm…usually Guitar Guy (haha)
- X-rays: My foot has been x-rayed a LOT. My knee when I tore my ACL. That’s about it.
- Yummy food you make: I am pretty impressed with my cold fruit/yogurt/oats creations
- Zoo favorite animal: Polar Bears and Big Cats are pretty much AWESOME
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Sallie Mae is Worse Than Scrooge
Seriously. She is pretty much the epitamy of the ANTI Christmas Spirit.
1) My payment due date every month is the 24th. Who does that? You know some evil little person, in their evil little cube somewhere laughed when they sent me that first letter in the mail stating that my first loan payment was going to be 12/24/2008. They giggled to themselves and probably said, “Merry Christmas Brandi….bwahahahahahahahahahaha”….bastard….
2) Interests rates always seem to hike during the holidays. Most of my loans are locked in at a fixed rate. HOWEVER there are a couple that are of the ‘variable interest rate variety’ (oh Dave Ramsey where were you when I was in college!!?!?!???!??!) and those rates almost ALWAYS go up in December/January. What is up with that Sallie Mae? Who’s pockets are you lining with my money??? You certainly aren’t donating it to charity…
3) Every year in December I have the opportunity to go back through my payment history and figure out how much of it went towards interest and how much of it I can claim on my taxes in January. (I’m a nerd…don’t even pretend like that surprises you). And every year I almost cry when I realize that it’s about 50/50. All those huge payments I make (the required ones…not the ‘extra’ ones) only actually go towards my principle balance half of the time. So lets say in a year I pay $4500 (it’s actually a lot more than that because I am in fact a debt paying nazi and I kick ass at budgets and numbers…I’m also really humble…obviously). Only about $2200 of that actually goes to pay back what I really borrowed. The other $2300 of that is extra I pay for having borrowed it in the first place. Sallie Mae is like a damn loan shark. If I ever miss a payment I am almost positive some big asshole named Borris is going to come to my door with a claim on my first born son or something incredibly cliche like that.
SO in short. Sallie Mae = Christmas Spirit KILLER.
I logged on to my account today, like I do everyday, and checked my balance. It’s a REALLY great way to remind yourself why you want to pay them back ASAP. Because that number goes up every day. Seriously. EVERY day you don’t have that balance paid off, there is a small amount of interest added to your balance. For me, personally, at the principle balance I still have unpaid it goes up about $7.50/day.
To put that in perspective, at the end of the month (or by the 24th when I pay it…) my ‘outstanding balance’ goes up about $200. Give or take, depending on interest rates and how long I go without making a payment. I very rarely wait til the 24th to pay it.
SO going into the New Year I have a couple of things to say:
1) Brandi needs to get her ass in gear and pay off that student loan balance ASAP. (which btw will be a little easier with the Raise I got last week…YAY!!)
2) Sallie Mae – You can kiss my ass.
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